The Tale of Charlotte Coolhorn
by Tiger Shinigami
Summary: Done for Capslock Bleach! Revel in the infinite beauty and perfection as the tale of Charlotte Coolhorn is revealed!


AN: I don't own Bleach, any specific brands mentioned, or Taco Aizen

...Please don't hurt me. xD

The Tale of Charlotte Coolhorn

Perfect skin. Rosy cheeks. Eyeliner, tastefully applied. Fabulous blue eye-shadow. Long, brisk lashes.

Charlotte stood, gazing at the reflection in front of him. Oh, yes. It was indeed the picture of perfection. It was stunning. Gorgeous.

Marvelous!

"Coolhorn Sire." Interrupted his manservant, who had just entered the room. "I believe it is time to leave!"

The man sighed, tossing his luxuriously silky and long hair over his shoulder. "Off I go!"

--

He hated the world. He hated people! They were always so annoying, and so… _Ugly_. He growled to himself as he continued to work, placing bits of chicken and various sauces onto a large flour tortilla.

"Coolhorn." A flat voice said from behind. It was Ulquiorra, standing with his usual clipboard. "You have been assigned to the drive-through window today."

"Hooray!" He cried, but without tears.

Just as he started to take off his plastic gloves, the fourth Espada spoke once again. "There are concerns about your state of dress, however. It would displease Aizen-sama if you did not comply with the local health codes."

Charlotte rolled his eyes, shaking his head in disgust. These people knew nothing of beauty! It was not something to be contained or constricted!

Still. He would be working the drive-through window. It was something to rejoice!

He walked over to the cash register, putting on his head-set with a flourish. "Welcome to Taco Aizen, how may I take your order?"

There was an ugly voice on the other line, responding with ignorance and indecisiveness. "Uh, yeah… I'll have two number six combos, one with a Sprite, and the other with water."

Coolhorn punched in the order. "…would you like to upgrade to a large for only-"

"No, no. Regular size is fine."

He gritted his teeth. Stupid humans! How dare they pass up the deal Aizen had so graciously bestowed upon them?!

"First window… please."

In a matter of moments, the pitiful human was pulled up at the window. He passed over the money, and Charlotte threw the food back at him.

The man frowned. "I wanted the super-large!" He complained.

Coolhorn's eyes bulged bigger then the bulge in his pants. "How dare you!" He cried.

The man grew angry, with his ugly beard and ugly eyes. "I want to talk to your manager!"

"Is there a problem?" Ulquiorra was suddenly right behind him, staring at Coolhorn with the same, detached, and hideous look he always did. Maybe he was in need of new eyes.

"This pitiful human is ignorant and foolish! I refuse to serve him!"

Ulquiorra crossed over to the window. "We apologize for the inconvenience, and will give you this free waiver." He passed the man a coupon. "Have a nice day."

--

"Here he is, Aizen-sama." Said Ulquiorra as they bowed before their master.

Aizen sat casually on his throne. "I am disappointed in your performance today. The customer always comes first, Coolhorn."

Charlotte bowed his head in humble defeat. "I will remember that!"

Gin slithered around the chair, coming down towards them. "Aizen-sama cares very much about reputation. He has won the Good Eating Magazine's Five-diamond award in customer satisfaction for three consecutive years."

"Oh my!" Charlotte exclaimed with excitement.

Aizen shifted in his throne, staring at Ulquiorra. "The human involved?"

"He has already been detained and is at work in the mines."

"Very good."

Charlotte shuttered. The mines were said to be a very scary place. Mining, for all eternity, when there is nothing there to mine… Oh, woe!

--

He had failed. He was a failure! To be promoted, then demoted so quickly?! It was unbearable.

"Sire!" Cried his manservant Cecil. "Have you heard the news?!"

He watched eagerly. "No! Of what do you speak?!"

The midget grinned strangely. "Grimmjow poisoned the Kool-Aid again! A position has opened up!"

Charlotte screamed with joy, dancing around with Cecil, before nodding with positiveness. His future was bright!

* * *

AN 2.0: PLEASE NOTE THIS WAS WRITTEN FOR THE CAPSLOCKBLEACH COMMUNITY ON LIVEJOURNAL AND NOT TO BE TAKEN TOO SERIOUSLY, OR YOUR BRAIN MIGHT EXPLODE. I FEEL OBLIGATED TO TYPE CAPSLOCK SOMEWHERE IN THE FIC, SO HERE IT IS. CAPSLOCK IS ALWAYS WITH YOU, BABY!

* * *


End file.
